*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.