While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You Might Also Like
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”