GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
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ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Cardio Made Easy
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick