“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares