[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
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Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie