haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
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Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
You better watch out
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
is nasa ok
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.