Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.