If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Krampus.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I can’t deal with men any longer
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.