Aight bet
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.