my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!