Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Not all heroes wear capes…
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.