9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
You Might Also Like
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Mornin
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
How it started: How it’s going:
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go