WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
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“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!