{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…