I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up