I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Gemma Correll
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
(yawn)
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.