My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I have a black belt in leather
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.