Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
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In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder