Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
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Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Does it…does it take 3 days
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”