“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
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I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.