[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
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Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification