I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Remember folks 😂
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe