Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
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(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
i wish i could marry a nap
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
life finds a way
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct