JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.