If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I hope it’s French Onion!
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.