My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist