In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.