You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
You Might Also Like
Oh yeah that’s it
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
john wicks are toilet candles
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock