Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack