Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
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I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
oh u like history? name everything that happened
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.