Me checking my bank balance online.
You Might Also Like
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Spell check is for lasers.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.