“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match