Blew my mind.
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her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out