So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part