*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
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Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there