Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off