Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
What the hell is going on?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Has science gone too far?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen