I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
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PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out