*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
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13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?