If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Teach your children to beatbox
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean