Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
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The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
*gets down on one knee*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases