manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
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You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread