CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
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I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
no one likes gloating
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.