My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.