Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
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I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
How to draw a duck
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”