*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Dammit Chief not again
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.