My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
You Might Also Like
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”