Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
The first one, obviously
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
oh my god
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
APOLOGISE NOW!!!