[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
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Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what