[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece